It has been a while since my last post, because I decided to stop writing about him. However, I knew I would start again at some point, so the blog remains.
A few things have happened in the past month or so. One update was my decision to decline the job offered in another state, for various reasons. I would elaborate, but it's irrelevant, so I digress. I'm moving back to the state where everything is such familiar territory, but still so new. Sometimes when you skip the process like I did, you have to go back, so that's that.
I had a small encounter with "him" earlier this month. At that point, I had a lot I wanted/needed to say to him and my journal pages. I decided to allow my emotional explosion to simmer before returning to this journal-esque, seldom read platform to vent about it; I needed time to clear my head. Of course, I scripted my thoughts in a physical diary, but ended up ripping out the pages and throwing them away. The only thing unclear now is what kind of reaction did seeing him actually bring on; it's all a blur, in retrospect.
All I remember is being in a room with him and his lover feeling extremely happy/angry/confused/awkward all at once. Yes, as you can probably imagine, it was a really insane whirlwind of emotion happening there. Sitting with my usually calm demeanor and pleasant smile, I wondered if he was still able, even after all these years, to read past my bluff. Because if he could, he saw that I was probably dying a little on the inside. And laying down right next to that imaginary death bed, I still caught myself wanting to kiss him. A passionate, magical kiss that would automatically forget the time that has elapsed since our last one and every person that loved me and him would not exist in our worlds. Yes, that's exactly what I recall.
I sit and tell myself that I've moved on, especially after that incident, but the cold hard truth is...
He's imprinted in my heart, in my soul, hidden in the ink of my words, and the memory of him will never completely die, at least not in theory. However, I'm forced to face the possible and tragic reality of us never reconnecting romantically again.
This is probably one of the saddest love stories I've ever written...
♥ Love,
Sophia Peony
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