Across My Mind

There was no trace of him when I went to sleep; not a singular thought of him crossed my mind.  Then, I spent the slumber vividly dreaming about him and my conscious morning thoughts appeared to be different from the night before. Why does this keep happening to me?  Why does the conviction that I've let go never stay long enough for me to take it seriously?  Now, all the strength and empowerment that I've built is destroyed.  Maybe not in complete ruin, but destroyed nonetheless.  This is emotional torture.  

I can't help but wonder if he still remembers me at all.  If he does, the feelings are probably buried under years of trying to forget.

♥ Love, 
Sophia Peony

Never Enough

One little thought is all it takes to put me through this nostalgic roller coaster where I'm back to writing about him again.  It's crazy, because the person I want to read this the most will probably never see any of this.  I always think that I'm better off, that I've found peace with a long lost love, but I always relapse and drift back to this point. I forget that I do deserve someone who fights for and chooses me.  I forget all the bad that transpired. All I can do is remember how good of a person he was to me, how good of a person I became because of him, how perfect we were together, how beautiful our friendship and our silence was, and so forth. He made a choice to be in a new relationship a while ago and so did I.  The only difference is he stuck to his choice and I did not.  I can't say whether or not it is the right choice; I can only speak for myself. 

I heard this song and my whole being stung. I played it over and over again, because I stumbled across yet another song that might as well have been extracted right out of my heart vault. We only scratched the surface of what love could be.  And I'm fully aware that it's not a good thing to walk this earth with feelings of regret.  However, this song makes everything crystal clear to me, because Almost is Never Enough (Ariana Grande) and I'm always wondering why we didn't choose...differently:

"...'Cause sooner or later, we'll wonder why we gave up/ The truth is, everyone knows/ Almost, almost is never enough/ So close to being in love/ If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you/ Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart, but right here in each other's arms/ And we almost, we almost knew what love was, but almost is never enough..."

I would just rather run away from my own emotions...because it's a terrible feeling to love something so unattainable. 

♥ Love, 
Sophia Peony

Magic Kiss

It has been a while since my last post, because I decided to stop writing about him.  However, I knew I would start again at some point, so the blog remains. 

A few things have happened in the past month or so. One update was my decision to decline the job offered in another state, for various reasons.  I would elaborate, but it's irrelevant, so I digress.  I'm moving back to the state where everything is such familiar territory, but still so new.  Sometimes when you skip the process like I did, you have to go back, so that's that.  

I had a small encounter with "him" earlier this month.  At that point, I had a lot I wanted/needed to say to him and my journal pages. I decided to allow my emotional explosion to simmer before returning to this journal-esque, seldom read platform to vent about it; I needed time to clear my head. Of course, I scripted my thoughts in a physical diary, but ended up ripping out the pages and throwing them away. The only thing unclear now is what kind of reaction did seeing him actually bring on; it's all a blur, in retrospect.  

All I remember is being in a room with him and his lover feeling extremely happy/angry/confused/awkward all at once. Yes, as you can probably imagine, it was a really insane whirlwind of emotion happening there. Sitting with my usually calm demeanor and pleasant smile, I wondered if he was still able, even after all these years, to read past my bluff.  Because if he could, he saw that I was probably dying a little on the inside. And laying down right next to that imaginary death bed, I still caught myself wanting to kiss him. A passionate, magical kiss that would automatically forget the time that has elapsed since our last one and every person that loved me and him would not exist in our worlds.  Yes, that's exactly what I recall.

I sit and tell myself that I've moved on, especially after that incident, but the cold hard truth is...

He's imprinted in my heart, in my soul, hidden in the ink of my words, and the memory of him will never completely die, at least not in theory. However, I'm forced to face the possible and tragic reality of us never reconnecting romantically again.

This is probably one of the saddest love stories I've ever written...

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony

Heartbreak and Dreams

I had a dream that shook my core to the point where I don't even want to reiterate what occurred.  It's just crazy how he can manage to come into my dreams and break my heart that way.  

He never really broke my heart.  Honestly, I was the one who pushed him away.  So this is my consequence.   After all, every action has one. I'm still learning how to cope/function, but it's really hard...just as hard as it was 4 years ago.  

I'm taking a job in another state and I'm actually pretty thrilled about it.  Fresh new start in a city I [already] love. I can't say that he's not in the back of my mind somewhere, constantly tempted me to reconsider.  However, I can't base decisions like this around someone who is not even active in my life anymore.    

I wish it was possible to directly communicate with him in his own dreams that would influence him to fly to wherever I am and confess his undying love for me, of course, which would turn out as our beautiful never ending love story again.  A girl can dream right? 

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony

Insanity.

It seems like I have dedicated myself to an entire blog about my own feelings and who knows how long I'll be writing these sob stories...to air. As if I have no life. Maybe I don't.  Does it get any better? Will I wake up one day to a disappearing acts kind of love that left me sometime during the night? Will I write forever about someone and in return closing my heart to someone better? I have no way of knowing this, but for now, I will continue to sit here with a small slither of hope that love will find away.

Last night, I laid next to someone and felt nothing. The space we shared was void of any emotion or chemistry. However, it was an honest attempt to feel something with someone who has been here all along. I wanted to be next to the love of my life. I just wanted to be his one and only again, happily spending hours in paradise where the only souls that mattered were ours.  I was willing to drive the hundreds of miles to be close to him, but on my way, I realized I didn't have enough gas and opted to go cry my eyes out in my own bed, lol.  This is a true story.

It is amazing, daunting even, that love is so simple, yet powerful enough to influence some of the craziest things. 

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony

Learn to Love Again

Lyrics that sing my heart... {via Kalyn}

Growing Pains

What is really so hard about making a solid decision?  One day, I want to run far, far away...from home and everything I know...and start a new life elsewhere.  The next day I want to retrace my steps and live in the comfort of where my true love and I once lived together.  I don't know what I want to do. My inability to just make up my freaking mind is leaving me stagnant, absolutely terrified to make any step at all.  Sure, I'd like to believe that everything will work out eventually, that my mental torment is no indication of what my life will look like once I exit this stage of my life of still trying to figure things out. However, that's not what I believe in this moment.  I think that I'm losing my sanity. 

Remember when eeny-meeny-miny-moe solved all our problems?  Although, at this point, doesn't it seem like a pretty reasonable solution?  It sure beats whatever I have now.

♥ Love,

Sophia Peony 

Message in a Bottle

I believe I started this blog as a message in a bottle and by some twist of a fantasy-built fate, the love of my dreams will find the bottle, read the scripts in it, know deep down inside who wrote it, and weep with his soul.  Then, he'd return to me, because he understands that the slim chances of the bottle reaching him, would be sign that meant we belong together forever. 

I watch too many romance films...

♥ Love,
Sophia Peony

"I'm still writing about you and you haven't read a word." -Travis Grandt

Magnetic.

I miss you so much…and I don’t understand this gravitational pull I seem to have towards you.  Thinking of you is a pulling on my heart strings, even after 3 years, maybe more, of absence.  The mere memory of you is slowly tearing me to pieces, but it is nothing I can do to stop that flow of thought.  Every time some funny/amazing/sad/incredible/weird/only-you-would-understand thing happens, I want so badly to be able to share those insignificant moments with you.  You just fit me so well, and I'm so afraid of never finding that perfect match ever again.  The years have flown by incredibly fast; the first year being the hardest.  I have noticed some silver lining of progress, because I don't cry nearly as much as I used to, but moments like this, all progress washes away (no pun intended).  It is absolute insanity!  If you are not close to me at all, at least not in physical proximity, how are you still able to have such a powerful effect on me? I want to feel the nearness of you, to see you smile, to dance with your soul in silence again. I could sit in an empty room with you until I’m old and grey and still be completely in my element. Once upon a time, nothing was allowed to come between us, but now, there are, what seems like, worlds and planets that occupy that small space. I meant what I said when I promised forever, but loving you from a distance is so hard to do for that long, almost impossible.    I can lie to the world, but what is the point of lying to my own consciousness?

The truth is: you are eternally embedded in my heart and it’s only natural that I [still] crave you in my life...and the sad part is, you'll probably never read this knowing it's me speaking.

♥ Love,

Sophia Peony

Your Inner World Impacts Your Outer Circumstances...

I'm wondering at what point did I start believing my perception of what I am or am not capable of?  Not really sure and to maintain my own sanity, I won't dwell on it.  But the question sits there as I try to wrap my mind around this new step I'm about to take.

I am terrified, yes, because this is not familiar territory, yet I am so ready to at least try before I begin to doubt myself.  I'm sure I'll have those moments here and there, but I have to remember it's not about anyone else but ME.  That is one reason why I can't help to be thankful that I don't have any dependable obligations (i.e. a significant other, a child etc.) and all distractions such as transportation have been removed from my immediate access.  Even more so, it is fortunate that I am able to see the blessing in what some would consider to be lack.

The vision has been confirmed. Now the only thing left for me to do is to take the first step with the belief that I can do this.

♥ Love,

Sophia Peony

Who is Sophia Peony?

Where do I begin?  Pretty young thang in her 20's, trying to navigate her way through the world...

Honestly, I am not really sure how to introduce myself without revealing my true identity, so until I am able to do so, I'll be plugging in some of my most intimate journal entries for foundational purpose, blurred photos,  and other random things over time...because I'm cool like that. Someone who really knew me could easily put two and two together and probably come up with an accurate assumption when it's all said and done, so it's important that my name (and the names of people in my life that I'm likely to bring up) stay completely anonymous. There is an art to it, you know. This is unlike anything I've ever done, publicly.  Careful not to splatter out the details and therefore ruining the whole point of my anonymity, I do have a semi-popular blog floating around the web that I'm almost tempted to delete, where I occasionally open up and talk about me and my lackluster life. Just a heads up, that is probably the last time I will speak on that; reason being, I tend to ramble and somehow, always end up saying too much.

Why am I deciding to blog this way? That's a great question, in the case that it did pop up in your head as reading this long drawn out post. Well, it really spurted out of pure boredom.  The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of exposing other, yet still authentic, layers of me that I don't necessarily want to be attached my government name.   As a writer in my own right, this is freedom. 

Anyway, as far as the name I gave this goes, it's really just a quirky wordplay of things I just so happen to really like, which are hearts, sand, and wildflowers (with an added 'S' for emphasis)...or hearts and wildflowers without the sand. Either way, it still works {haha...get it?} Beyond that, no deeper meaning to sum up who I am in three words. Sue me. I was slightly inspired by Gossip Girl (for those of you who watch this amazing show 1. I am only on season III, so please don't spoil it for me. 2. Just in case any of you expect the juice, this will not morph into some witty gossip column at any point, I'm sure, so don't get your hopes up.) and a blogger that has, up until recently, has gone by the name of Tova Darling since 2008.  Plus, I really just wanted a digital hiding place, something like a speakeasy, where I could escape to without the world really knowing who I am and express myself completely at the same time.  How refreshing!

So there you have it!  All about me, in a less than perfect two paragraph format. Oh and by the way...I'll be signing off as Sophia Peony, simply another set of words that really have nothing to do with me, only this time in the form of proper nouns. 

Not sure how you found me, but thank the higher power that you did! It must be destiny, because we are totally friends now!

♥ Love,

Sophia Peony

----------------------{comments have been disabled for this post} ----------------------