Never Enough

One little thought is all it takes to put me through this nostalgic roller coaster where I'm back to writing about him again.  It's crazy, because the person I want to read this the most will probably never see any of this.  I always think that I'm better off, that I've found peace with a long lost love, but I always relapse and drift back to this point. I forget that I do deserve someone who fights for and chooses me.  I forget all the bad that transpired. All I can do is remember how good of a person he was to me, how good of a person I became because of him, how perfect we were together, how beautiful our friendship and our silence was, and so forth. He made a choice to be in a new relationship a while ago and so did I.  The only difference is he stuck to his choice and I did not.  I can't say whether or not it is the right choice; I can only speak for myself. 

I heard this song and my whole being stung. I played it over and over again, because I stumbled across yet another song that might as well have been extracted right out of my heart vault. We only scratched the surface of what love could be.  And I'm fully aware that it's not a good thing to walk this earth with feelings of regret.  However, this song makes everything crystal clear to me, because Almost is Never Enough (Ariana Grande) and I'm always wondering why we didn't choose...differently:

"...'Cause sooner or later, we'll wonder why we gave up/ The truth is, everyone knows/ Almost, almost is never enough/ So close to being in love/ If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you/ Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart, but right here in each other's arms/ And we almost, we almost knew what love was, but almost is never enough..."

I would just rather run away from my own emotions...because it's a terrible feeling to love something so unattainable. 

♥ Love, 
Sophia Peony

Insanity.

It seems like I have dedicated myself to an entire blog about my own feelings and who knows how long I'll be writing these sob stories...to air. As if I have no life. Maybe I don't.  Does it get any better? Will I wake up one day to a disappearing acts kind of love that left me sometime during the night? Will I write forever about someone and in return closing my heart to someone better? I have no way of knowing this, but for now, I will continue to sit here with a small slither of hope that love will find away.

Last night, I laid next to someone and felt nothing. The space we shared was void of any emotion or chemistry. However, it was an honest attempt to feel something with someone who has been here all along. I wanted to be next to the love of my life. I just wanted to be his one and only again, happily spending hours in paradise where the only souls that mattered were ours.  I was willing to drive the hundreds of miles to be close to him, but on my way, I realized I didn't have enough gas and opted to go cry my eyes out in my own bed, lol.  This is a true story.

It is amazing, daunting even, that love is so simple, yet powerful enough to influence some of the craziest things. 

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony

Magnetic.

I miss you so much…and I don’t understand this gravitational pull I seem to have towards you.  Thinking of you is a pulling on my heart strings, even after 3 years, maybe more, of absence.  The mere memory of you is slowly tearing me to pieces, but it is nothing I can do to stop that flow of thought.  Every time some funny/amazing/sad/incredible/weird/only-you-would-understand thing happens, I want so badly to be able to share those insignificant moments with you.  You just fit me so well, and I'm so afraid of never finding that perfect match ever again.  The years have flown by incredibly fast; the first year being the hardest.  I have noticed some silver lining of progress, because I don't cry nearly as much as I used to, but moments like this, all progress washes away (no pun intended).  It is absolute insanity!  If you are not close to me at all, at least not in physical proximity, how are you still able to have such a powerful effect on me? I want to feel the nearness of you, to see you smile, to dance with your soul in silence again. I could sit in an empty room with you until I’m old and grey and still be completely in my element. Once upon a time, nothing was allowed to come between us, but now, there are, what seems like, worlds and planets that occupy that small space. I meant what I said when I promised forever, but loving you from a distance is so hard to do for that long, almost impossible.    I can lie to the world, but what is the point of lying to my own consciousness?

The truth is: you are eternally embedded in my heart and it’s only natural that I [still] crave you in my life...and the sad part is, you'll probably never read this knowing it's me speaking.

♥ Love,

Sophia Peony