Across My Mind

There was no trace of him when I went to sleep; not a singular thought of him crossed my mind.  Then, I spent the slumber vividly dreaming about him and my conscious morning thoughts appeared to be different from the night before. Why does this keep happening to me?  Why does the conviction that I've let go never stay long enough for me to take it seriously?  Now, all the strength and empowerment that I've built is destroyed.  Maybe not in complete ruin, but destroyed nonetheless.  This is emotional torture.  

I can't help but wonder if he still remembers me at all.  If he does, the feelings are probably buried under years of trying to forget.

♥ Love, 
Sophia Peony

Never Enough

One little thought is all it takes to put me through this nostalgic roller coaster where I'm back to writing about him again.  It's crazy, because the person I want to read this the most will probably never see any of this.  I always think that I'm better off, that I've found peace with a long lost love, but I always relapse and drift back to this point. I forget that I do deserve someone who fights for and chooses me.  I forget all the bad that transpired. All I can do is remember how good of a person he was to me, how good of a person I became because of him, how perfect we were together, how beautiful our friendship and our silence was, and so forth. He made a choice to be in a new relationship a while ago and so did I.  The only difference is he stuck to his choice and I did not.  I can't say whether or not it is the right choice; I can only speak for myself. 

I heard this song and my whole being stung. I played it over and over again, because I stumbled across yet another song that might as well have been extracted right out of my heart vault. We only scratched the surface of what love could be.  And I'm fully aware that it's not a good thing to walk this earth with feelings of regret.  However, this song makes everything crystal clear to me, because Almost is Never Enough (Ariana Grande) and I'm always wondering why we didn't choose...differently:

"...'Cause sooner or later, we'll wonder why we gave up/ The truth is, everyone knows/ Almost, almost is never enough/ So close to being in love/ If I would have known that you wanted me, the way I wanted you/ Then maybe we wouldn't be two worlds apart, but right here in each other's arms/ And we almost, we almost knew what love was, but almost is never enough..."

I would just rather run away from my own emotions...because it's a terrible feeling to love something so unattainable. 

♥ Love, 
Sophia Peony

Magic Kiss

It has been a while since my last post, because I decided to stop writing about him.  However, I knew I would start again at some point, so the blog remains. 

A few things have happened in the past month or so. One update was my decision to decline the job offered in another state, for various reasons.  I would elaborate, but it's irrelevant, so I digress.  I'm moving back to the state where everything is such familiar territory, but still so new.  Sometimes when you skip the process like I did, you have to go back, so that's that.  

I had a small encounter with "him" earlier this month.  At that point, I had a lot I wanted/needed to say to him and my journal pages. I decided to allow my emotional explosion to simmer before returning to this journal-esque, seldom read platform to vent about it; I needed time to clear my head. Of course, I scripted my thoughts in a physical diary, but ended up ripping out the pages and throwing them away. The only thing unclear now is what kind of reaction did seeing him actually bring on; it's all a blur, in retrospect.  

All I remember is being in a room with him and his lover feeling extremely happy/angry/confused/awkward all at once. Yes, as you can probably imagine, it was a really insane whirlwind of emotion happening there. Sitting with my usually calm demeanor and pleasant smile, I wondered if he was still able, even after all these years, to read past my bluff.  Because if he could, he saw that I was probably dying a little on the inside. And laying down right next to that imaginary death bed, I still caught myself wanting to kiss him. A passionate, magical kiss that would automatically forget the time that has elapsed since our last one and every person that loved me and him would not exist in our worlds.  Yes, that's exactly what I recall.

I sit and tell myself that I've moved on, especially after that incident, but the cold hard truth is...

He's imprinted in my heart, in my soul, hidden in the ink of my words, and the memory of him will never completely die, at least not in theory. However, I'm forced to face the possible and tragic reality of us never reconnecting romantically again.

This is probably one of the saddest love stories I've ever written...

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony

Heartbreak and Dreams

I had a dream that shook my core to the point where I don't even want to reiterate what occurred.  It's just crazy how he can manage to come into my dreams and break my heart that way.  

He never really broke my heart.  Honestly, I was the one who pushed him away.  So this is my consequence.   After all, every action has one. I'm still learning how to cope/function, but it's really hard...just as hard as it was 4 years ago.  

I'm taking a job in another state and I'm actually pretty thrilled about it.  Fresh new start in a city I [already] love. I can't say that he's not in the back of my mind somewhere, constantly tempted me to reconsider.  However, I can't base decisions like this around someone who is not even active in my life anymore.    

I wish it was possible to directly communicate with him in his own dreams that would influence him to fly to wherever I am and confess his undying love for me, of course, which would turn out as our beautiful never ending love story again.  A girl can dream right? 

♥ Love, 

Sophia Peony